First Week Away: August 31, 2021

Dear Friends and Family,

This is my first letter out! I have now done 1 week of At Home MTC, and 1 week of In Person MTC! I can definitely say I'm grateful for the opportunity At Home MTC gave me to get to know my district and companion, as well as come to terms with saying goodbye to my family. 

In a word, this week has been a stretch. I was worried I would tear, but found I was more flexible than I knew. 

My first day was quite exciting. At the end of the day, we had the famous Character of Christ devotional. This was when I got scared. You see, I had a little scrupulous attack. For those who don't know, scrupulosity is the word that describes how my brain fixates on my flaws (real or imagined) and beats me up about them. I don't remember now what was said for most of that devotional, but something really triggered that mechanism in my brain. I began working really hard just to breathe at a normal rate, and I cried quite a bit. Thanks to God's Mercy, my companion has had quite a bit of experience with mental illness herself. She scratched my back a bit, but mostly, she just didn't freak out. Afterward, I told her what was happening, and she said she had guessed it was something along those lines. I was so grateful for her. With some prayer and meditation exercises, I was able to release that and move forward. Now I don't even remember what the scrupulous thoughts were. 

The real accomplishment though, was that I sat through the entire meeting, went to sleep that night, and got up the next morning. I didn't run out of the meeting crying, and I didn't let those thoughts linger and replay until they kept me up at night. I made it through and woke up the next day at 6:30 am. 

My district was a huge part of my success this week. That whole first day I felt like my most giddy, childlike side was on full view no matter what I did. But the sisters in my district just loved me. They laughed at all my idiosyncrasies in that delighted way that lets you know they love it. They'd tell me they loved my energy and enthusiasm. In addition to the love my district has given me, I have felt God's love throughout this entire process. From the Home MTC to Provo MTC, I've felt as though God is easing me into this transition. On my first night after I'd cried my way through the devotional, I still wrote,

"Today I was:

Loved

Appreciated

Wanted

Helpful

Ministered to

Taken care of

Guided

Nourished

Cradled." 

In our district, laughter is kind of a constant, maybe too constant. But man we do have a good time. Most people have nicknames. Mine was almost Sister Smiley but they couldn't resist Sister Chill. I'm famous for vigerous handshakes and solutions to anything. The Elders came over specifically to get my handshake before we all sang in the choir tonight. They said they "need the encouragement". 😂🤣😂 And so far I provided eye drops for sunburnt eyes, sewed on a button, sewed up a dress slit, taught how to sort laundry, provided ibuprofen, escorted my companions to the info desk to call the doctor, and provided doctor recommended Benadryl.

The really wonderful part is that for the first time ever, these people I love and am trying to help say, "You're basically the mom" without a hint of annoyance, condescension, or dismissal in their tone. Now I know I can be overbearing, and I've tried to temper that. But it is really nice to have all my mom skills genuinely appreciated. Sister Pedersen sent an Elder to me because she said "Sis. Shill will probably have an answer to that." After I helped a sister with something, Elder Hepworth said with genuine wonder, "wow, Sister Shill! How do you always know what to do?" I guess that's why "appreciated, wanted, and helpful" were on my list that first night in my journal. They are still on my list now.

Turns out it takes kids leaving their moms behind to appreciate a friend who takes care of them like a mom. I think at least 3 Elders and 3 Sisters have openly admitted how difficult it is not to have there moms, and I certainly know I miss mine. But I do feel really grateful that my mom taught me so many useful, little things. Now I can say I've used them to love and care for my friends and for the sisters I'm responsible for as an STL.

Oh yeah. BTW, my companion and I are STLs.

Finally, I'd like to say this: God keeps giving me beautiful little nuggets while I'm here. I feel constantly in awe, for I hardly have time to process one new concept or revelation before another comes.

This much is becoming very clear to me: the majesty of God's love is in His power to make that love cause change.

Specifically, change in our hearts.

Much love and many thanks for your prayers. I feel them support me along with the angels of my ancestors. ❤️

Sincerely,

Emi 💙

Sister Emily Elise Shill