Letter Nov. 8. 2021

 

About Working with Members

Working with the members has become my passion. After all, I don't want to just find the one and move on. I want to leave my area better than I found it. I want the missionaries who come in afterward to have a slew of hard working, missionary-minded members to support them and help them. I want finding in the Fruita 1st area to go from "No one finds there" to "They get so many member referrals!" That's my vision. That's my dream. But in the meantime, I feel like I'm finally understanding how to find on Facebook. It's a really slow process, and there is a lot of nurturing involved, but you CAN find on Facebook. 

About Homesickness 

About homesickness, I've learned some pretty significant stuff. The "Adjusting to Missionary Life" section in the missionary guide wasn't really helping me much, unfortunately. The homesickness described in "Adjusting..." seems to be rooted in change issues. That's why they recommend making a list of things that haven't changed. But my homesickness was more rooted in feeling a deficit of love. When I was with my family, they provided me with all the love and support I needed. Then I came out here and felt so alone, like I was always operating on a deficit of love and support. But I learned to recognize that feeling as a deficit of serotonin (the happy chemical we lack when we are depressed or anxious.) My family provided me with a TON of serotonin. So without them, I simply needed to generate that serotonin myself: through exercise, gratitude practice, and scripture study. 

At this point you're probably thinking, "Weren't you already doing those things? They are part of the missionary schedule." ...yeah... waking up early is rough for me. But as I've gotten better, and as I have been intentionally generating serotonin, the world's become a different place. I actually feel awake when I get up at 6:30 now!!! It's the most wonderful thing. I never thought I'd get here.

About My Wonderful Companion 

Sister Bealer is one of the most disciplined people I know. Not just in the little daily things, but rather in the big things: she doesn't lash out, use her understanding to hurt, say mean things when she is annoyed, irritated, or tired. She never hurts me. And there have just been so many friends who, without meaning to, hurt me when they were hurting. Sister Bealer never does that.

But the flip side of this trait is that Sister Bealer holds everything in so well, I can never get any feedback from her. I try to see how she's doing, if she's happy with me or upset, but her body, face, and voice convey nothing until she's so stressed the tension pulls her shoulders nearly up to her ears. So I can never know if she's feeling loved and supported by me or if she's irritated as heck. This is why people like Sister Bealer have always been a little scary to me. Their cool demeanor often made them a little more popular than I was in high school, and I couldn't understand them. So they were pretty much intimidating in every way. 

But Our Father, He understands all of us. And He had no intention to let me live in fear of these stoic types. So He put me with Sister Bealer, and I got the chance to learn how very human stoic people are. I get to learn of her struggles. I've been blessed to understand why she responds so little to my love. She really baffled me for a while because she actually didn't respond to any love language. Words of affirmation, nearly no response besides a polite "thank you". Acts of service would sometimes just go unnoticed and didn't seem to mean anything to her. Physical touch is a major no for her. Quality Time was hard because we are always together, so I don't know how to turn time into quality, so to speak. I tried to talk to her about non-mission things and get to know her, but that's all I could do. After that there's only gifts (which I stink at), but my mom is sending a package with a few things in it for Sister Bealer. Maybe then I'll get to see how she accepts gifts. I think it's possible that gifts might mean a lot to her because her mom is really bad at them. But we'll just see. 

Now maybe you're wondering where all this is coming from: Sister Bealer and I had our first companionship therapy together. It was really good. We talked a lot about expressing needs and giving feedback. Sister Bealer is going to work on the expressing part. She has trouble identifying what she needs and asking for it. She told us this was the first time she had ever had to do this. I thought that was pretty fair. Most teenagers aren't super aware of these things. :'D

Sister Bealer comes from a family who is not very lovey. They are more a do-it-by-yourself kind of family. In contrast, my family has a very team-centered mindset. In Sister Bealer's family, if you woke up late, that was on you. But in my family, if one person woke up late, the question was asked, "Why didn't _____ notice ****** was missing and help her out? Where was the buddy who should have had his back? Where was the team work to help us all make it to work and school?" I am therefore used to a very active support system. People always there to give me hugs, to help me as I strive to accomplish my goals, to talk to when I'm struggling. And Sister Bealer is not used to that. So when I was struggling my whole first transfer, I would tell her what to do to help me, and she just couldn't do it. Waking me up with a hug, or even just a glass of water on my head was so foreign to her. So she was stressed when I slept in, and I took a long time to get better at getting up. 

But as I learned about her family, her past relationships, and her struggles, I was able to start to feel some empathy for her. She kind of left me to figure out most missionary stuff on my own, but she did it because she didn't know how to support me. She didn't give much in return to my conscious efforts to love her, but now I understand. When I explained all the ways I had tried to love her, and how I eventually had to stop because I was driving myself crazy looking for some positive impact it was having on her, she said, "I've never had any companion or anyone give me as much love as you. And it makes me sad too, that you had to give up on me." It was a really real and vulnerable conversation for both us. 

Anyway, the take away here is that improvement starts with understanding. Sometimes you get stuck in a rut, talking in circles, and you need an awesome therapist to start asking the right questions. When that happens, and two people can be vulnerable with each other about what has been, what is, and what could be, then growth can occur. 

Our therapy appointment was on Thursday, Friday at 2 pm we went on exchanges. But that morning before exchanges, I broke my streak of getting up on time that week. I am starting to have nightmares again, and I had woken up 3 or 4 times through the night. (Not to worry. I'm working on solutions for the nightmares.) Usually when I sleep in, Sister Bealer says, "Sister Shill, time to get up!" with a thin layer of happy covering the annoyance and irritation in her voice. Then she just leaves and gets ready. 

But Friday morning when I was struggling and she said, "Sister Shill, time to get up!" there was real warmth and kindness in her voice. She came back a second time. "Sister Shill, wake up. Also, the time is 7:20." She came back for me, and with genuine understanding in her voice, she let me know where I was at.

In my first transfer, I learned a lot of things. Mostly, I learned that when there's no one around to really give you love, there is ALWAYS Our Father. For quite a few weeks I struggled with feelings of scarcity in the love and support departments. But I learned to have faith that God's love could be enough for me. I would remember what my parents say, "Looking at God and saying there isn't enough love is like looking at the ocean and saying there isn't enough water." I learned to tell the difference between missing my family and feeling a deficit in serotonin (aka depression). I learned that sure, my family provided me with oodles of serotonin when I was with them. But now, I can provide my own serotonin through exercise, the practice of gratitude, and connecting with my Heavenly Parents through scripture study and prayer. 

I learned how to rely more fully on my Savior for the power to change. I had no one to assist me as I strove to hit my goals, so I learned what it looked and felt like to be assisted by heaven. I learned to muster strength in me that I didn't know existed. I'm still not perfect, and I could still certainly appreciate some support. But I have made progress. And that is something.