Letter, Nov. 1, 2021

Dear Friends and Family,

This week I tried to write down little thoughts to tell you guys!! I hope this gives you some idea of how I've been doing, and the little things that I think about as a missionary.

Thoughts on Scripture: 

I have never loved reading the scriptures so much. I enjoy just holding them in my hand. Sometimes I just read chapters about the doctrine of Christ and it just makes me happy. I feel peace. I think a large part of it is because I don't have anyone to connect with really. I can kind of connect with my companion,  but our relationship will never be particularly deep.  So the scriptures have become the way I connect with God and feel His understanding and love for me. It's how I feel connected. 

Sending a daily scripture to Rachel and Ben (two non-members we've been teaching) has been really good for me. We always send context, so I have to ponder why I like the scripture, what someone needs to know to understand the scripture, and what it teaches. It made me realize I have a lot of favorites. There are just so many nuggets of gold. 

Thoughts on Tomatoes:

We have had so many tomatoes given us by members with abundant gardens. The first batch was actually from the elders who received a CARLOAD of tomatoes from their bishop. We attempted to make tomato soup out of all those tomatoes. It was impromptu, and we didn't have all the ingredients. So it didn't go very well. But at least we can look back and laugh at it now. Most of the time I use the tomatoes on sandwiches and quesadillas.  But with so many cherry tomatoes, I've actually learned to pop 'um like candy. Finally! I've always wanted to like tomatoes enough to do that and now I do! Pretty awesome considering the first time I ate a raw tomato at all was only three years ago! Before that I'd NEVER eat a raw tomato on a sandwich, burger, salad or anything. 

Thoughts on Adulting:

I'm learning a lot about being an adult. There are different layers of "adulting". And I've obviously learned a good amount in my first two years of college. I know how to do my own laundry, cook my own food, be responsible for my own appointments and schedule, etc. That first layer I already had when I arrived. And there are other layers I haven't accomplished yet: like being completely financially independent. But here on the mission, I'm learning more about the deeper layers of adulthood: like providing your own love, comfort, and support. And getting those things from God when you cant give yourself enough. 

In college, I lived away from home. I didn't always have my mom there to give me a hug, but I could always call her. And at the end of a bad week, I'd just drive home and spend a few days recharging: talking to my dad, running errands with my mom, giving my sister a hug, hiking with my brothers, and sleeping with my dog. It was all just a couple hours' drive away. 

Now, I'm on the mission. Calling family is a once a week only type of thing. Hugs are unavailable.  I've come to realize not everyone is as conscious of love received and given throughout their day as I am. But for those who are lovey enough to know their love language, imagine this: for the first time in your life, almost no one says anything deliberately nice about you to your face. No one has time to just sit and be with you. No one does anything kind for you, or no one gives you any token of love or sign of remembering you. 

In other words, what ever it is that makes you feel seen, appreciated, loved, held, and supported is gone. You can't get it. 

That's where I'm at. For the first time in my life, I can't have hugs. Like nearly at all. My sweet companion just isn't a touchy or lovey person. And I am not allowed to hold children or hug anyone who's male. So that's like 70% of the ward. I've actually gone more than six weeks with less hugs than I've ever had in just two weeks. Honestly, it's taken its toll. And I've had to be really deliberate at trying to take care of myself. I reflect often on Moroni. I don't have it ANYWHERE NEAR as bad as him. I see and talk to nice people all the time. My companion and I are friends and laugh often. But how did Moroni get the love every person needs without so much as one soul to be with him? I figure, he must have got it from Our Father and Mother in Heaven. Moroni was a prophet-scriptorian. So he spent a LOT of time in the scriptures. Sure enough, I feel most comforted and loved when I put special priority on my personal study in the scriptures each morning. I can find relief from deep feelings of loneliness and lack of love by opening the Book of Mormon. 

I also take HUGE advantage of every animal we come across. Nearly everyone has a dog or cat or both/multiple around here. (Perks of the country.) So at every house I pet, hold, squeeze, scratch, and basically overwhelm with love the pets of the family. When we go help out on the farm, I pet the cats, horses, alpacas, dogs, chickens (if I can grab them), and anything and everything else. The animals heal the hole in my heart as much as they can. Often, I can tell that Father in Heaven has commissioned them to give everything they've got on my behalf. Dogs that "don't like people" come over to me. Cats come sit in my lap and purr at remarkable decibels or even crawl up on my shoulder and give me cuddles. Horses lean into my hugs for the first time in my life. And I should mention, animals never particularly liked me before now. 

In addition to these lovely furry friends, toddler and babies have really taken a liking to me. I can't hold them, but they will just talk to me, hug my legs, and pat my knees. I think little children listen to the Spirit better than we do sometimes. Because the most stranger wary, unfriendly toddlers are kind to me and notice me (to their mother's astonishment.) 

My point in all this is not that I'm a baby and animal whisperer. Far from it. Rather, I'm suggesting that God sends all the innocent, loving, and kind creatures to minister to me, because the older people can't see my pain. So here's my testimony that Father in Heaven loves us and know us. He sends angels on every side of the veil to minister to us as we strive to follow Him. We are never alone. 

My final line of defense is my stuffed animals and my ancestors. After all Father does for me, I curl up and sleep with my stuffed animals, trusting the angels of my ancestors will keep me company and nurture my heart while I sleep. Since I can't hug them, I squeeze my reindeer Joseph and my puppy Beary Jr.  Sometimes growing up looks like allowing yourself to be a little childish at the end of day of fulfilling responsibilities.

Love, Sister Shill (Emi)